Today’s post was written by guest blogger John Bader Ph. D. John is a former dean at Johns Hopkins University and author of ‘Dean’s List: 11 Habits of Highly Successful College Students,’ available on Amazon. You can follow John’s weekly column on college life, academic success, and higher education at johnbader.net
As the parent of a newly deemed freshman, you’ve probably gotten lots of detailed moving instructions from your child’s college. You know what linens to send, whether your child needs to bring a reading lamp, how to buy discounted laptop, and that you can expect an army of upperclassmen to help get all this stuff into a dorm room.
But if you’re dropping off your first child, you’re probably wishing a parenting handbook came in the mail too. And you’re asking a lot of questions: How am I supposed to act now? How often should I check in with my child? How worried should I be about alcohol, sex and academics? Can I still be her advocate to the school? Will I see her report card?
Today’s parents, more involved than at any time in memory, want answers to these questions. They have been their children’s coach, driver, advocate, disciplinarian, cook, and mentor. And now what? What role should they play? How are they supposed to behave? You are not alone with this dilemma, though that is cold comfort. You can start with some of the college basics, though they’re tough to take:
-You are not the key player anymore: By law, philosophy and tradition, colleges have a relationship with only one member of your family: the student. Administrators will always want to deal first and directly with the student. If you insert yourself into the discussion—“We were thinking of taking Chemistry this fall”—you are starting a fight you cannot win. Colleges want students to take responsibility, and Federal privacy laws require that. So you won’t be seeing any report cards, they go to the student alone.
-Faculty would rather not talk to you: Faculty take this philosophy especially seriously, and they will bristle if you try to contact them directly. This is a big shift from high school teachers, who expect to hear from parents. Remember that faculty themselves went to college in a time when students were much more independent than now. So every instinct and experience they have tells them that a call or email from a parent is intrusive and over-reaching.
-You’ll need to let go: Colleges want you to stay away not just out of obligation or tradition. They also believe that young people need breathing room to grow, to make decisions, and to make mistakes independently. College life is a highly protected place to grow up. There are plenty of administrators, counselors, health caregivers and even campus police around. While they would never be as watchful as you have been, they are there in part to cushion the fall when mistakes are made.
None of this is good news, of course. And even if you are comfortable with the way you are treated, and happy to let your student be more independent, you can wonder what role is left for you. Here are a few:
-Supporter: Going to a new and challenging environment is scary for any young person, however self-confident. Your student needs your support and love just as much as when they lived at home. He or she especially needs your encouragement to explore intellectual choices, pushing them to try new subjects at which they might excel. Try to avoid being judgmental here, tempting though it might be. Students excel when they love what they are studying—help them find that love. When you feel like contacting the faculty, encourage your student to do that instead. Helping your student to not be intimidated by faculty will have many benefits, such as being more comfortable to ask questions.
-Protector: You are the best person to remind your student of the risks of drinking, drug use, gambling and unhealthy relationships. It is hard to do this while respecting independence, but these are clear dangers to them, and they need someone who draws the line. They will decide what to do, whatever you say, but they need to hear a strong message from you.
-Healer: Poor health, particularly poor mental health, is a significant reason why students struggle academically. Depression and other mental illnesses are increasingly common on college campuses. Add to this the traditional exposure to illnesses, along with poor sleep and eating habits, and you have reason to worry. Encourage your student to be smart with their health, particularly in getting enough sleep.
Becoming the parent of a college student is a challenge, but by keeping these points in mind you are setting them up for success not only in the classroom, but in life as well. Take this time to watch them learn, grow, and develop into the adult you know they can be.
thank you for the insight. i have twin freshmen going to different colleges and this article answered most of my questions. and gave me food for thought.
thanks
As for the line “colleges have a relationship with only one member of your family: the student”, I slightly disagree with this attitude. Because the costs of college has significantly outstripped the increase in minimum wage, it has become increasingly more difficult for students to pay for college. This burden has fallen more and more on parents. I believe colleges do have a relationship with parents when it comes to footing the bill.
Jean,
I agree with you. In an ideal world, I think the choice of college, and a student’s decisions in college should be their’s, and not their parents’. I think that unless students can make their own decisions, they won’t mature.
Unfortunately, in the United States, college has become so expensive and non-academic such that parents are shelling out tens of thousands of dollars, and have no clue whether their kids are going to class or not, or whether they are really getting any real education.